This year has had me wound a little tighter than I would have normally liked. Is it the pressure of not knowing what to get anybody? No. Can’t be that. I have known what I’ve wanted to get everyone for months. Is it the pressure of having so many other things going on that I forgot to get the things that I was wanting to get everyone? Yea… that’s part of it.
Mostly it has to do with the separation of family that I tend to feel during this time of year. My father having been gone almost 12 years now. My family having not celebrated any of the holidays together since the death of my Uncle Bob, just 5 years after my father died. And also the fact that my mother is so far away.
There are times I feel that I have the opportunity to sit and contemplate ideas and ponder on things entirely too much. The 45 minute commute to and from work everyday tends to allow for such time to be available. One day while I was driving home I had one of those “Isn’t it weird how life works?” moments. I reminisced about the first 5 years of my marriage to Jason and all the holidays passed… and realized that for the first 5 years we made memories with my family; where everything is just anecdotes to his. Now, for the last 6 years those roles have changed. Though it’s wonderful to make all these new memories… I find it a little heartbreaking as well.
I miss my mother terribly and really wished that she was here to make memories with; which then turns into missing my Aunt Stella, Uncle Harry, my dad, Uncle Bob, Grandma…. and the list goes on and on. After all of this, I think I now know why I have been the “bah-hub-bug” that I had been (especially the past week). I miss my family. I miss my old traditions. I miss the new traditions that I had started to create.
No worries, though. I will have them back soon enough. In the meantime, I am good. I am loved. And I love in return.
To all those celebrating Christmas or any other holiday… I hope it was full of love.
Until Later~
~MJ
